Self-encouragement
a What's Healing Me Lately weekly
“Unruly parts drenched in hope”, acrylic paint on mixed media paper, by me, Aug 2023
I am an anxious baby. Have been since I was born #collicks
Another way of wording this anxious part of me is I have a very active internal Manager.
The internal Manager is one of three main parts explored in Internal Family Systems - a psycho-spiritual therapeutic approach with the aim of developing a strong sense of Self (or Self Energy) that is able to hold all the parts of us (Manager, Exile, Firefighter, Inner critic, etc.) with compassion, confidence, clarity and curiosity.
The idea being that regardless of our past or present, regardless of what is not in our control, we can find a sense of strength, a sense of empowered action when working as a team with our internal parts. And that working as a team is what helps to develop an even stronger sense of Self. A Self that has access to creativity and joy and trust. Wisdom and patience. And so much more.
It is a virtuous cycle, while most anxious thought patterns are a vicious cycle of compounding activation (stress - adrenaline, cortisol, etc.) in our bodies cells and systems that automatically reenact past traumas big and small, further solidifying the negative beliefs we (or our Exile) holds about ourself.
Seven year old me waiting for the bus on the first day of second grade.
I grew up in a family with parents who didn’t know how to regulate their nervous systems, and who each had Managers and Exiles and Firefighters running wild day in and day out.
I know I am not alone in this experience.
Additionally being undiagnosed AuDHD and adapting thru forced and unconscious high masking (which btw, is a super stressful, exhausting, experience), I developed a lot of perfectionism, people pleasing and high achievement. These characteristics - these behaviors, are associated with The Manager. The one who is working so fucking hard to be good. The one who is relentless scanning for danger, for signs of not enoughness, and who can easily manifest as a workaholic.
This why Self-Encouragement, especially of my Manager, has really been healing me lately.
Through somatics, I’ve been able to be able to literally feel where this part and its anxiety manifests in me nearly immediately as its happening or growing.
When I notice it, I literally talk out loud to it. Which looks like me placing my hands on my heart (where I feel this part lives), bowing my head down to my chest (eyes open or closed, usually opened, like I’m literally looking at it down in my chest) and saying things like
“We’re okay.”
“We’re good.”
“I’ve got this. We’ve got this.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
Often multiple times.
Often with my voice becoming firmer.
Often times with me needing to say things like,
“Hey. This is not helping. We are good. Stop. Relax. We’re okay.”
Because sometimes it does get annoying, it does get exhausting, it does get frustrating to have to coach this part, assure this part, over and over and over again on days when it’s feeling really active for whatever reason.
But my Self energy knows this is the task at hand.
This is the mundane, not Instagram worthy internal work that day by day, moment by moment, heals deeply.
I have never felt so confident in my life before.
I have never trusted myself to clearly before.
This is absolutely from staying committed to talking compassionately, clearly and confidently to my Manager who I now know is really just a pre-schooler masquerading as an Adult, often crying and screaming from overwhelm and fear.
They absolutely deserve my attention.
They absolutely deserve my support.
They absolutely are learning that so much of what they do, they don’t have to anymore.
That I, adult Self, current Self, have got it.
Self encouragement can really go along way when we allow ourselves to do it and believe it. The words we say and the care we show to ourselves.
It can add up.
It can balance out the neglect we experienced growing up.
It can tip the scales in another direction that leads to us noticing the good of our lives.
My healing altar for my first month post-top surgery
When I’m not reassuring the manager that actually we’re okay, I’m being a cheerleader to it. This often sounds like,
“You’re doing a great job.”
“You’re doing awesome.”
“You’re awesome. You’re doing great.”
And sometimes, I have to say these words again with the strong firmness. Like a coach having a pep talk with their student. Their face serious and words strong, but also words of encouragement.
I did not get words of encouragement growing up.
I got be carefuls and what abouts and just quit and that’s too much for you and take the easier path.
Maybe that’s what some folks need. But it is also developmentally appropriate and needed to encourage developing MindBodies. To let them know they can do it and there are people, or at least one person, who really believes in them.
Encouragement really is such medicine.
When was the last time you encouraged yourself?
When was the last time you opened yourself enough to really believe it?
To actually take it in?
With the First Quarter Moon happening in the sky, the part of the cycle that is about doubling down on the goals and intentions set at the New Moon, I invite you to reflect on self encouragement and how it can support you in mundane but potent ways to keep going.
Keeping our lights alive is extremely important right now.
It’s essential for building the new world.
You are essential for imagining it.
With care, compassion and encouragement,
Lucky
photo my Maya Leon Photography
p.s. If you’re a perfectionist, people pleaser or over achiever wanting to recover, or you’re someone wanting to heal with IFS, and you’re located in California, I am accepting new clients into my private practice: S.L. McIntyre Psychotherapy.
Click here to book a free 20 minute consult and see if we might be a good fit.
Or if you know someone in need of a therapist, please send my practice along.
<3